Author: admin

It started before I even knew I wanted it. It still feels surreal. 4 months of my life, that I don’t fully remember – just before and after….

I lost myself after that, and the only way I knew how to move on – then 24 – was to fully move on. It worked, I fully loved again… and when before we were even really ready, I felt different inside and stopped at the pharmacy. The first time, there was no heart beat when there should have been. It happens to everyone they said, so I stoically went on as everyone is expected to.

The second time, there were two heart beats, but over the weeks they weakened and stopped. It’s only a special case if it happens for more than three pregnancies they said. In my mind, I had counted 4. I slept for a week, and didn’t feel better when I woke up.

We tried IU, I got pregnant. At six weeks, the experienced doctor with no bedside manners told me there was a heartbeat but it was faint and the pregnancy would probably not come to term. Literally in those words. My body knew he was right, but my heart was filled with anger and my mind was determined to prove him wrong. At every spotting, I would drive myself to the hospital and wait through nights to see the doctors. The nurses got to know me, and became my biggest source of comfort during the rest of my journey. Finally an amazing doctor told me she wanted to take on my case.

We tried IVF, multiple surgeries (get more specific), and things I spent hours researching to get examples of other successful cases. Finally, after 7 miscarriages, we got 5 healthly embryos but she was certain my body would reject them despite all the advances of medical sciences.

I accepted that I need turn to surrogacy, but Quebec and US laws were beyond my principles, so I turned to the rest of Canada. With no response. I stayed strong by focusing on work and social life, but I closed myself off to real conversations and only opened up to new people. Ultimatley, we split up. I think about those 5 frozen embryos often, and hope to find purpose for them in the universe someday.

I hope to channel my inner motherhood in other ways. There are so many children that need more health, safety, education… even love. I look to a future me, and want to write another post called miracles from miscarriages – I’m not quite sure they’ll be, but I believe in them.